What do you really need?
3 chapters…
01.
I’ve just printed out the next draft of my second book and on the very last page, one character says to another, “Do you trust me?” There’s a pause, then, “More importantly, do you trust your Self?” Now, I’m not going to tell you how or why the two characters are in this conversation or why it’s significant. That would be, spoilers! But I do want to talk about what we assume we need from other people. We may think we need other people’s love or approval or appreciation or understanding or validation or permission or support or any number of other emotional needs. But do we really, I mean really, really?
02.
Relationships, of all sorts, family, friends, colleagues, are important. Of course, they are. But the longer I spend in this human existence, the more I’m convinced that the purpose of our relationships is not necessarily to give us what we need. That’s not their true function. The true purpose of our relationships is to help us to grow, evolve, transform. Someone says something or doesn’t say something or does something or doesn’t do something, and we react or respond, and that’s intel for us, that’s fodder for our growth. But other people aren’t responsible for meeting our needs, not really. (I’m talking adults here, not children, obviously). So who is?
03.
Well, we are. Fortunately, we actually have all the resources within us to meet our emotional needs. We all have a Self, our essence, our true nature, that can offer all of that and more. And who are we offering it to? Those parts of us, in our inner world, who are needing, wanting, seeking love or approval or appreciation or understanding or validation or permission or support. We can identify those parts and give them what they need. And yes, other people in our life may also offer these parts emotional support. But that’s a bonus and not a given. Because ultimately, we have that power within us. That’s why the character in my new book asks, “Do you trust me?” Before asking, “More importantly, do you trust your Self?” Because that’s the real question here. Do you trust yourself? Can you give yourself what you need? And the answer is, Yes, you can.
3 endnotes…
My work as a psychologist, my YA fiction writing and my whole worldview revolves around a particular therapy and model of self-understanding - IFS or Internal Family Systems. We have a Self and we have parts. If you want to learn more you can read this or check out these resources or for the most fun way, buy my book, Never, Not Ever - IFS is at the heart of the story.
Fun fact, my mum lives in a lifestyle village, a vibrant community of people who have happy hour drinks together, go on day trips and read books. My mum bought a copy of Never, Not Ever for their community library and this week she sent news that my book was the second most borrowed book at the village in 2024, after Fiona McArthur’s novel, As the River Runs. This feels like one of my proudest achievements!
I recently offered an author update of what I’ve been working on so far this year. You can check it out here. And I shared about how a book that featured in my life also featured in my latest book. The story is here.
Until next time, love to you and yours!
