What to do when a person behaves Iike that!

3 chapters…

01.

Okay, here’s what happened. I was in a meeting and someone said something about my work that felt disrespectful. Like they didn’t really care. Like they hadn’t really taken the time or made the effort to notice, see, appreciate what I’d created. They made an off-hand comment that sounded, to my ears, dismissive. This is how parts of me first reacted. “How dare they! That is so disrespectful. I don’t dismiss their work. I show respect. That is really not very nice at all and I’m not very happy with their behaviour.” Great. Fine. A common first response. One that’s focused on the other person. On their behaviour. On what they’d done wrong.

02.

But let’s not stop there. Let’s explore this a little more. Of course, my response felt completely valid. They did behave like that. And if they hadn’t behaved like that then I wouldn’t have reacted like that. But what is so much more interesting, for me anyway, is not their behaviour but my response. Because they could have behaved exactly the same way and my response could have been very different. I could have thought, “Oh they’re having a bad day. What’s up with them? Whatever, I know my work has value. That’s their opinion but I disagree.” Or all manner of other responses. But I didn’t. I interpreted their behaviour as disrespectful and dismissive.

03.

Good. In fact, great! I knew what to do next. Check-in. Meet with my parts. Connect with those parts that felt dismissed and those that felt disrespected. What was going on for them? Oh. They were showing me times when I could be dismissive and disrespectful. When I dismissed and disrespected others and myself. And that led me to a younger part of me who was feeling pain and shame when they did something wrong, weren’t listened to, weren’t validated, were dismissed and disrespected. There we go. A reminder to me that when someone behaves in way that sparks a reaction in me, that’s my invitation to turn within. Then, sure, I could return to a reflection on the other person’s behaviour. Was it dismissive and disrespectful? Maybe, but probably not. Would I value my work any less because of their opinion? No. Was it an opportunity for me to help my parts? Yes. Am I glad it happened? Absolutely, yes.

BTW, if you want to explore a bit more about this process, check out the Emotional Healing Map I sent out last week. If you’re already a subscriber and didn’t receive it, just hit reply to this email and I’ll send you the link. Otherwise, subscribe and you’ll receive the link in the welcome email.

3 endnotes…

1. How freaking delightful is Heartstopper Season 3? I’m in love with all of these characters. Care deeply about each and every one of them. Love their displays of love and of friendship. Love how functional they all really are even as they go through their stuff. Brilliant storytelling. Brilliant TV.

2. I’m a member of SCBWI - a mouthful yes - the Society of Children’s Book Writers and Illustrators, an international organisation. Right now, until early December they are hosting BookStop - a showcase of member’s picture books, board books, middle grade, young adult and graphic novels, including my YA romance. All buyable. All great gifts. Especially since Xmas is just around the corner.

3. My husband recently introduced me to the band Half Alive - a three-piece indie rock group from Longbeach, California. Their new song is good and has an even better video. Great dancing. Great choreography. Wish I could dance like that, seriously.

I’ve got a book that might be of interest! Because the process I describe above is featured. And it’s also a damn good story. Available on my website or all good book retailers.